Explain how exactly does democracy threaten liberty.

first draft comments:

Your title declares your theme, the relation of democracy and liberty, and in your first paragraph you declare your thesis: the democracy threatens liberty as defined by Tocqueville. Given this thesis it is not surprising to see three sections of your paper entitled respectively, After a short section on a book by which you describe as the basis for your argument, your paper is divided into three sections entitled respectively “Toqueville’s Notion of Liberty” (pp.2-8), “Tocqueville’s notion of Democracy” (pp.8-10), and “The Threats That Democracy Poses to Liberty” (pp.10-13). Before these three sections is a short section in which you declare that your discussion is based on a book you name by Kirby Goidel. After them is a short section of six lines on Dostoevsky. this section you should cut.

In each section you cite a number of authors to whom you attribute a wide variety of claims about many different aspects of Tocqueville’s thought. This shows that you have taken some pains to acquaint yourself with what scholars have to say about Tocqueville. But this material is not well organized and is hard to follow. It’s not clear how these different things relate to each other.

You should try to be clearer about your thesis – how exactly does democracy threaten liberty – and the different parts into which your supporting argument breaks down. You don’t hemp the reader see the pattern in your argument. You need to provide a more refined statement of your thesis and a summary of the main points of your argument which can serve as a map to the reader. Does Tocqueville discuss multiple kinds of liberty? Does he also speak of the conditions necessary for these different kinds of liberty to thrive? Does Tocqueville use the word democracy in multiple seances? How do these relate to the problem you are exploring? How many threats to democracy does Tocqueville discuss? Is there an order among these treats, some being greater than others? Do you also discuss Tocqueville’s proposed solutions?
There are many issues of grammar, punctuation, style.

In a number of cases it seems to be a case of inadequate proofing. A sentence is left in an unfinished state or contains remnants of possible alternate phrasing.

As much as possible, when you refer to a work you should give a page number. Where in the book cited may the reader find the idea to which you refer.