RELATIONSHIP READING

Relationship Reading Assignment

Question one. Describe the Seattle Love Lab, the research behind the 7 Principles and how Dr. John Gottman predicts divorce

John Gottman conducted various researches to analyze behaviors in marriages, especially divorce and stability of marriages. He conducted these researches in his lab at Seattle in Washington. His first study was in 1992 when he interviewed married couples who already had children to predict who divorces the other. This study demonstrated that there was a discriminative function of 94% (Gottman, 1994). Nevertheless, he did not dwell on this since early marriage life experiences many changes as the couple form perceptions on each other.

Gottman came up with another model in 1998. This model could predict the probability of a couple to remain in marriage or divorce within four or between four and six years. This model had 90% accuracy. After a married life of seven to nine years, couples were likely to remain in marriage with an accuracy of 81%. In 2000, he used oral history in interview to predict probability of divorce and marriage stability. His researches enabled him to have an accuracy of 87.4% when predicting divorce or stay in marriage especially for the beginning five years in marriage.

In his research, Gottman used prediction of bonds in a certain marriage for example the relationship between couples, their mutual past, and their marriage philosophies. These factors would indicate the marriage bond in a certain couple through the percentage of negativity or positivity in their stories in oral history interviews. The coding system used in oral history was used in entering their scores. From the answers, couples perceptions of one another would therefore be unveiled and depending on the positivity or negativity of the answers, then a prediction would be made. As a result, Gottman realized four behaviors that are all negative and that predict divorce: defensiveness, contempt, partners’ personality criticism and emotional withdrawal (stonewalling). His researches also indicated that if a couple is stable then it handles its conflicts in a gentle way, a more positive way and it is likely to support each other.

Gottman therefore used these findings in predicting divorce. This is because these factors determine the physical effects in marital conflict, for instance, defensiveness bars one’s ability to think especially during conflict. Therefore, a couple that scores high in defensiveness has a high percentage of predictable divorce. He also uses contempt to predict divorce; for example if a couple has very low connection bids then a negative reaction towards their marriage is likely to occur since they tend to move away from each other. He also uses criticism of each other as a predictor of lack or loss of trust. With high scores in lost trust, then a couple has a high probability of divorce. Gottman also argues that there is a difference between early divorce and late divorce, in that early divorce results from all the four factors while the late divorce is caused by poor scores in the initial marriage stages.

Finally, he argues that the four factors that determine sustainability of marriage do not mean the absence of anger since even a happy couple experiences this phenomenon. The only difference is that a sustainable marriage experiences conflicts and unhappiness but they do not allow it to get destructive or gridlocked. He uses stonewalling as another predictor of divorce since such a couple shall not be able to solve their conflict hence high probability of divorce.

Question two- Describe Love Maps, how they help to build knowledge about each partners inner world, and explain how to do the exercise

A love map is a psychological indicator of the ability of partners in marriage to remember major events that happened in one another’s life. It indicates how vivid one can remember his or her partner’s history and their persistence in updating this information. Love maps indicate concerns, love and understanding of each other’s feelings. They also enable couples to understand and be current on each other and the changes they experience in life. When a couple has good love maps concerning each other, then they can be able to solve their differences with ease. They also understand the basis of each other’s difficulties hence they can resolve any conflict with knowledge. These people are also better prepared in comparison with those that have poor love maps.

A couple with good love maps will understand the points of happiness and difficulties that their partners have gone through in the past. This enables them to appreciate the current condition surrounding one another. Since love maps also call for constant updates of current circumstances facing each other, they enable the couple to operate from the same level of knowledge. In addition, there is less pretense and ignorance in couples with good love maps. For example, they are able to remember the difficulties that their partners are going through or went through during childbirth, illness, retirement or even after being sacked from employment.

In order to have good love maps a couple needs to understand each other’s past. It is good for the partners to feel free to talk about their past, both good and bad to their partners. Each partner should also be anxious to search through the life of the other one and to know more about their past. Discussing about each other’s past is also a useful block in building one another’s life.

Couples can also build long lasting love maps through constantly updating the information that they hold concerning each other. Every partner should increase the amount of reservoir of information concerning each other. The more they understand each other, the easier it is for them to resolve their differences. According to Collins (1996), spouses give explanations according to their levels of attachment to each other.

A couple should also keep updating each other on the developments in their lives. This should be done as constantly and as promptly as possible. A couple that fails to update each other on the current issues affecting one another may result in information debt. Information debt then results in conflict and erosion of trust.

There is less conflicts in a couple that have constant information exchange. Conflicts that result from unexplained occurrences and events are greatly reduced. It is therefore imperative that a couple learn to be open and to share information. This leads to mutual understanding.

Question three. Explain how to nurture Fondness and Admiration and why it is important

Fondness and admiration is another principle of marriage. To nurture fondness and admiration a couple needs to appreciate the worth of each other. Each partner should respect one another and accord them the love they require. It is vital to learn what makes their partners feel appreciated. It is also important that one feed their minds with positive thoughts and feelings about their partners. This will make them like and respect their partners without a feeling of being burdened.

It is also important that one learn to constantly view their partners as worth and positive towards them and their love. This will enable them feel worth of spending quality time with. They will also be able to appreciate the presence of each other in one another’s life.

Each partner should view their marriage as successful and good. Learning to appreciate ones union enables them to experience less psychological marital conflicts. A couple that appreciates its marriage and looks at their marriage as a success experience less drawbacks. The likelihood of divorce is also less since each partner counts on the benefit of the union and would want to continue reaping these good results.

Finally, partners need to constantly keep on reminding themselves of the good qualities of their partners. This will enable them feel good when relating with each other. The feeling that your partner is of good character will make you feel valued by others. Positive characteristics of one’s partner also makes one love and be more attracted to them. It is the same good qualities that pulled you together before marriage and have kept you next to each other. It is therefore important that these qualities be nurtured to enhance fondness and admiration.

Each partner should also realize the factor that makes the other one appreciate and love them. Such qualities that the partners appreciate so much should be nurtured and even made better. This keeps the other partner in constant fondness concerning you. It is this force that keeps the fire of love burning for so many years. According to Roberts and Krokoff (1990), a partner should be able to find satisfaction since dissatisfaction makes them more likely to withdraw. This will nurture fondness.

Question four. Describe emotional bids for connection, how one may respond to bids and the importance of turning towards one another instead of away.
Emotional bids mean that everyone in marriage has a certain expectation of being appreciated and valued. Each partner has a need for their partners to notice them and to pay attention to them. This means that partners should appreciate each other as often as possible. One needs to pay attention to every detail of their partner’s life including dressing, waling styles, haircuts and even simple changes in cologne.

It is also important that partners learn to show affection with each other and appreciate their feelings. When a couple is affectionate towards each other they boost the level of intimacy and closeness. The show of feelings is an outward reflection of the admiration and connection that one feels for their partners. It is therefore important that a couple turns to each other in a time when they feel affectionate to each other than to turn away from each other. Those in marriage should also appreciate their partner’s way of demonstrating their feelings towards them. They should not turn way such expressions of affection from their partners. Turning away from your partner in a time of affection or passion will make your love and sex life meaningless, hence likely to lead to divorce.

A couple should demonstrate attention on one another’s humor and support. Every partner yearns for a support from their counterparts. It is therefore the support that one gives to their partners, for example when in need or even in times of humor, that assures them of such affection. When a spouse is always there for each other in time of difficulties and joy, then it becomes easy for them to be affectionate on each other. One should learn to turn to their partners in times of need rather than looking for help and support from outside. This will enhance the degree of love and emotions that one has for their partners. A good love bank is a fundamental block in building a long lasting marriage. It is also from this affection that a couple can be able to enjoy a good sex life.

In conclusion, it is imperative for a couple to empathize with each other in marriage during hard times and times of joy. Every partner should show affection to their counterparts and should appreciate expression of emotions by their partners. If one partner goes for this from outside, their counterparts may feel unworthy, unloved and not respected. Partners should also turn to each other whenever they need comfort, passion or even appreciation. This makes them to be emotionally stable and their romance life becomes better and appreciated.

Question five. Explain why it is important to let one partner influence the other, and why it is especially important for a husband to accept his wife’s influence.

Everyone in marriage should appreciate that their spouse are their partners when it comes to making of decisions. This therefore means that each spouse has a duty to appreciate the opinion of their partners. It is therefore imperative that a couple should learn to listen to each other. When a spouse realizes that their partners are keen on what they think and like, they learn to trust them more. Partners who appreciate each other’s feelings also score high in good relationships. A spouse should also influence each other’s feelings, for example, when your partner is in grief due to pain or losing a loved then you should also show affection.

Men should also learn to share power with their wives. According to Kurdek (1994), if a man becomes the soul leader in his family then there is a likelihood of divorce in his marriage as a result of power conflicts. Men should also appreciate that their wives will only appreciate their decisions only when they are sure that their opinions have been factored in. According to Beach and Tesser (1993), the power of decision making in a family can be seen from a performance perspective. This means that there is likely to be resistance in acceptance and implementation of decisions if decisions are only made by the husband only. To avoid this resistance that may lead to divorce, a couple should influence each other.

Spouses should also note that most of the spiritual teachings are for the view that a couple should remain in love and harmony. For this to be achieved, partners should love each other. There should be mutual influence between the spouses.

Honoring one’s spouse means that every partner listens and respects the decision of each other. Spouses also appreciate it when they see their partners succeed in activities in which their ideas were implemented on.

Question seven. Describe the two types of marital conflict and explain the difference between them.

There are two major categories of marital conflicts. These are those that can be resolved, and the perpetual ones. Perpetual conflicts are conflicts that live with the spouses for years. Most of marital problems belong to this category. Perpetual problems account for 69% of all the marital problems (Gottman, 1999). These marital problems do not necessarily prevent a couple from living together. For example, of perpetual problems can be: a decision on whether to have another child or not, variation of sexual demands, disciplining of children and others. This kind of conflict is generally acceptable by most spouses. For instance, the spouses try each day to learn how to cope with them since they have to. The problems also have mild effect on the couple hence they can live with them. The best way of dealing with perpetual problems is for the spouses to learn how they can help each other by learning to cope with their problems.

According to Weiss and Heyman (1997), if the perpetual conflict hits a deadlock, the couple should realize that there must be a way out of it regardless of how serious it is. Both spouses should be willing to reach a compromise through a thorough exploration of the causes of the conflict. The spouses should share openly what they think of the conflict and the dreams they have in life. They should unveil to each other the plans they have in life since most of the time it forms the foundation of perpetual problems. According to Kanfer (1996), various interventions are important in enabling a couple works together towards their common goal.

The other kind of marital problem is the solvable problems. These are relatively mild compared to perpetual problems. However, solvable problems can lead to great pain and suffering to a couple. This is because not all the solvable problems get solved by the spouses. There are techniques of solving problems in marriage. Therefore, if a problem goes unresolved for a long time yet it is solvable, the spouses require learning the method of resolving it. To solve the solvable marital conflicts, the spouses should do the following: one should use a soft tone to start the solving process, one should try to make repairs of their harmful effects, they should monitor their psychology during conflict resolution to prevent flooding, they should also be able to compromise their decisions, and they should be tolerant when dealing with their spouses.

In order to differentiate between the gridlocked and solvable problems one should realize the intensity of each marital problem. The solvable problems appear like they are not as painful as the gridlocked ones. In solvable problems, spouses target a certain dilemma or a conflicting situation. For example, John who is married to Mary smokes too much. Mary keeps on telling him to stop smoking in order to become a complete Christian; this is a solvable conflict. On the other hand, a gridlocked conflict makes the spouses to focus on several situations and their impacts. For example, if James and Lily are married and Lily has always been arguing with her husband of her smoking habit and the health hazard it poses to her and their son to the extent of getting out of the house whenever he smokes, this is a gridlocked conflict.

Question seven. Explain softened startup, repair attempts, self-soothing techniques and how to find compromise in order to solve solvable problems

Softened startup means that one makes statements that cannot be criticized and that cannot be blamed. It also means that one makes statements that are clear, polite and that appreciate the other person without provoking them into more range, but inviting them to a compromise. According to Brandbury et al. (1996), this reduces negative behavior during problem solving.

Repair attempts means that one aims at deescalating the conflict by having a conviction that they should get calm, and that they are sorry for what happened and they need to stop any further conflict instigated actions.

Soothing oneself and each other means that one is able to minimize his/her levels of stress and the fight for self-benefit to crossing over to soothe the other party to calm down in a way that they can compromise.

Compromise means a state of reducing voices over a certain disagreement. It means that the conflicting parties accept each other’s influences concerning the causes of conflict; they both agree at a certain point. This is because there can be no compromise with overt behaving spouses (Lindahl et al., 1998).

Question nine. Describe how to cope with solvable problems

A couple can cope with solvable problems in the following ways: the spouse should be able to use a soft start up and minimize any harsh tones. This will allow the other party to feel appreciated and respected by their opponent, hence it will be easier for them to get them into the discussions. The spouse should also realize an effective method of repair trials. This makes them be able to comfort themselves with soft words and be able to approach their counterparts with a soft and convincing approach that can make them be willing to get into the discussion. The spouse should also check on their psychology in the course of discussions to realize any flooding signs. This enables them to avoid escalating the problem into worse as a result of piled up emotions. The conflicting parties should give each other time to express themselves until they realize a win-win situation. They should also learn to compromise. This means that the spouses should agree on how to end the conflict by coming to a common conclusion concerning the conflict. According to McCall (1995), a couple’s commitments can result in a positive compromise attribution. The results of the conflict should be beneficial to both parties. Finally, the couple should learn to be more tolerant to each other and their imperfections. This means that everyone has some weaknesses and the spouses should appreciate the uniqueness of their counterparts. The mistakes that one makes in marriage should not be used as a reason for divorce. Constant correction and discussion should be used to strengthen the positive values and to slowly condemn the vices.

References

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum

Gottman, J. M., & Nan Silver. (1999). “The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict,” in The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work (Chapter Seven, 129-155).York: Three Rivers Press (Random House, Inc.).

Beach, S.R.H. & Tesser, A. (1993). Decision making power and marital satisfaction: a self-evaluation maintenance perspective. J. Soc. Clin. Psychol. 12:471.94

Bradbury, T. N., Beach, S.R.H., Fincham, F.D. & Nelson, G.M. (1996). Attributions and behavior in functional and dysfunctional marriages. J. Consult. Clin. Psychol. 64:569.76

Collins, N.L. (1996). Working models of attachment: implications for explanation, emotion, and behavior. J. Pers. Soc. Psychol. 71:810.32

Kanfer, F.H. (1996). Motivation and emotion in behavior therapy. In Advances in Cognitive- Behavioral Therapy, ed. KS Dobson, KD Craig, pp. 1.30. Thousand Oaks, CA:Sage

Kurdek, L.A. (1994). Areas of conflict of gay, lesbian, and heterosexual couples: What couples argue about influences relationship satisfaction. J. Marriage Fam. 923.34

Lindahl, K., Clements, M. & Markman, H. (1998). The development of marriage: a nine-year perspective. See Bradbury 1998, pp. 205.36

McCall, M. (1995). Orientation, outcome, and other-serving attributions. Basic Appl.Soc. Psychol. 17:49.64

Roberts, L.J & Krokoff, L.J. (1990). A time series analysis of withdrawal, hostility, and displeasure in satisfied and dissatisfied marriages. J. Marriage Fam. 52:95.105

Weiss, R.L & Heyman, R.E. (1997). A clinical research overview of couple interactions, pp. 13.41