Dr. Roof Paper

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Dr. Roof Paper

Dear Jamie, there is nobody in life who could say that they have never experienced jealous feelings in their lifetime. However, still people will feel jealous of their partners out of the love they have for them. In addition, if these feelings go to the extreme of causing problems in a relationship, it is considered harmful and this ought to be controlled. Jealousy is allowed to some extent, but if it is not controlled, it can have a bad blow on the relationship. When your partner asks too many questions and calls you all the time, let him know that you do not like it, and it is not normal to control a person that much. To understand between normal and excessive jealous, it is important to set boundaries, which if crossed, can be termed as abnormal, hence you can know when it is harmful.

When your partner calls to check about you for seven times in a day, asking whom you are with all the time means that he is insecure and does not trust you. At the same time, based on the 6XS 320 lecture, in the evening, you say that he checks your cell phone to see your texts, which also means that he does not trust you with your friends and colleagues at school and this could be a chronic jealousy. This could trigger more jealousy in him when he finds that someone, especially your male friends sent you a text, since the more one finds out about such an issue, the more one is bound to get insecure. According to a website article by The San Francisco Chronicle, finding out about a person through such social networks like messages is harmful and acts to trigger more insecurity. When he says that he does this because he loves and cares about you, tell him to care about your freedom too. It is true about having nothing to hide, but some things are better if hidden from partners if they can cause harm to the relationship.

In your letter, you say that he has an experience of being cheated on and wants to make sure it does not happen again. This means that he does not trust you and all the people around you and this makes him feel more jealous. By the looks of it, he intends to ensure it does not happen again by monitoring you all the time since he feels that people around you are a threat.

Persistently jealous people are usually insecure. According to The Express, a previous partner may have cheated on them or let them down and as a result, they are afraid that what hurt them previously may happen again and in prevention, they become increasingly controlling in their relationships. It is good if you assure him that you love only him and no one else, and this should act to build his confidence and reduce insecurity. If it does not change the situation, then know that it is not okay and you need to set the boundaries that limit the amount of jealousy that is acceptable.

An abnormal jealousy will cause mayhem to the couple and fighting all the time over nothing serious. When a partner demands to know whom you are with and keeps on checking for any signs that might trigger more jealous, it is getting abnormal and one should refuse such treatment by refusing to respond to such questions and state that you are not happy with it to make him aware of your feelings. This helps to stop jealousy that is developing, since he or she feels that they do not want to make their partners unhappy. Another way to find out whether it is abnormal is checking for changes after talking about it. If he or she does not change, then it would be good to seek more help. In The Globe and Mail Toub argues The Globe that jealousy is expected in some events, but what leads to this jealous is understandable for example, when he gives an example of a woman in a beach standing half-naked. This is understandable, but if such an event that triggers jealous has not occurred, jealous could be considered abnormal.

Setting boundaries is good for your relationship, and it will help you know whenever the amount of jealousy gets harmful. For instance, when he asks you several times over the phone whom you are with, you can stop him by saying that it is no longer a joke, rather, it is becoming insolent and you do not like it. This will let him know your feelings about it, and he will not ask such questions again or at least, they will lessen. If he persists, do not answer the questions and he will realize that such questions are offensive and are not welcomed. Such a boundary will stop him from getting overboard since he will know what is acceptable and what is not. Doing this while the relationship is still at an early stage helps play a good part in controlling jealousy in your relationship.

Another way one can know whether jealous is harmful or can be controlled is understanding insecurity in your partner. Knowing what makes him jealous is crucial and can help one understand if it is likely to subside or not. Your boy friend is insecure due to an experience that left him injured emotionally and probably lowered his self-esteem, thus he is afraid of losing you. When you understand this just as you have, the next thing you should do is help him build up confidence by assuring him that he has nothing to worry about and you could encourage him by flattering about the things he does well, which will make him feel good about himself. Praising him for improvement about his treatment towards you would encourage him to change more. Again, you should keep communicating about this issues occasionally reminding him about his treatment and commending on his improvements and it would be good to emphasize how better the relationship could be if he is not so insecure. After doing this and no signs of improvement are visible, be aware that his jealous is far more above limits and could become harmful to your relationship. In that case, you should not hesitate to seek professional help from councilors who are competent in this area.

I know of a friend who had a problem with his boyfriend. When they started dating, he was just as you for they took a lot of time to know each other and the boyfriend looked pleased to have a girlfriend, treated her well and even introduced her to his friends. My friend felt all right in the companion of his friends and eventually she became friends with them, something that he was not against since they were always hanging out together. Later, his job changed from its location and he was forced to leave forcing him to see each other only during the weekends. During one of the weekends, he saw her talk to one of his friends before he got into the house. He got suspicious and little by little, he started warning her that his friends were not right to talk to about anything. Each time he visited, he looked more untrusting of her. Things went further when he monitored her all the time using another person, who upon seeing her talk to a man would call him. This got bad when he came to visit with a lot of rage and when he demanded answers, an argument resulted and he slapped her. When I sought to find out the reason, it turned out that it was out of humiliation from other relationships that had triggered his behavior and attitude towards women. One move that could have prevented this is by talking about it and knowing its cause together with putting the right measures to prevent it.

From your letter, I can conclude that your relationship is still not harmed, as you did not mention of any misunderstanding that have arisen between you. Do not let him control you by monitoring and asking you questions that offend you. Again, you should look out for the signs of abnormal jealous in him and how he has responded to minimize them and if he does not show any change, remember it could get worse if you do not seek help early enough.

Sincerely,

Dr. Roof.

Works Cited

Hill, Michael. “Facebook can trigger jealousy, Study Finds.” San Francisco Chronicle 14 August 2009. Print.

Spurr, Pam. “Learn to curb your jealous streak.” The Express (U.K.) 16 Nov 2009 1st Ed. Print.

SXS 320. Kinds of Jealousy. n.p. Lecture. 6 April 2011.

Toub, Micah. “Healthy jealousy.” The Globe and Mail (Canada) 23 Oct 2009: L1. Print